What if your experience of Christmas is missing something?
What if all the ideas that Christmas brings;
the imagining of fun, love, relationships, and joy,
what if it is all a lie?
And if you havent experienced these 'things',
If they dont appear real now, do these exist at all?
And what is left in the wake of this... emptiness?
I have struggled with these questions ever since I was young.
Wanting Christmas to mean something,
from the joy and closeness I had known.
But as I have grown-up, I have always longed for it to be "more".
Meaning, after Christmas was done, I often found myself sad
because it was lacking something significant for me personally.
Then each new Christmas, I would look for the same feelings as before,
and I quickly learned disappointment when I found them missing,
until I began to look only for what Christmas lacks.
At that point, all Christmas began to hold for me was resentment.
I wanted there to be something for me, yet I grew disillusioned
because as I grew up, it was never the same,
nor was it ever to be recaptured.