Saturday, May 7, 2016

New Post: "Learning to live with Denial"

Learning to live with Denial

We have all faced the situation;
that Life is Not FAIR!

Growing up, our parents deny us.
Then our friends do it inadvertently.
That romantic interest may not accept you.
Co-workers and employers may deny your request.

People at the bus stop, in traffic, or the grocery-
everyone has their own interests,
and they may not match our own.

How do we learn to live with such denial, day after day?

We have two basic choices for facing a future with certain denial:

  1. Find the "Yes", and
  2. Determine the "Who".
To start with, we will look at the second area;
Who gets to deny you?

When we allow just anyone to deny us, 
then we give up our rights at self-acceptance.
In other words, we give people power over us,
to determine whether or not we are 'worthwhile'.

When that person you like denies you request for a date,
then will you mope in self-pity?
Will you minimize the severity, and act like it wasnt a big deal,
perhaps saying instead, "it wasnt a request for a Real date."

We minimize to deflect the pain,
then we hide the truth,
and begin a pattern where no one can take us seriously.
Then we struggle to understand our own motivations,
and question our decisions until,
we feel undermined and worthless 
because we dont know our true value.

Who will you allow to determine your value?

There are only two people who have permission to determine my worth:
Me and God. And God's estimate of me is even more important!

Here's why:
I make mistakes, and I will never be able to please everyone, including myself.
The 'catch' is that Satan has been given permission by men,
to slip in a lie- that God will only love you if you are perfect to Him.
And that is not the truth.

God will love me, and calls me His beloved, even when I let Him down... again.

My wife may not like what I do, and I can feel her disdain for me.
Later I may even allow myself to wallow in the mess I created.
But God says the same thing, 
"I am here for you, will you turn to Me?"

We can all move forward in new confidence when we learn to believe this!

Now, to address the first method above:
Find the "Yes".

I have a friend, who could be called a "salesman".
but his first ever true "win" was with his now wife.
Twenty+ years ago, he asked how her on a date, 
and she said "No".
yet he didnt stop there, because he never gave up.

Now-a-days, you may be considered a 'pest', or even 'harassing' for doing the same,
but you dont have to ask the same person!
If one person says 'No', do you take that answer and go home?

If you want to find a partner to dance with, 
do you quit- even though you still want to dance?
No! You ask someone else.

The first person may be too afraid to dance,
or they may be waiting for someone specific to arrive,
but whatever the case, dont stop there!

I have seen teenagers ask their parents for a car,
and after months of asking, and being denied, 
they finally got it.

It wasnt the car they wanted, nor was it even new,
so they had to decide what they would do to get the "Yes".
"Dad- what if I save all my money from lawn-mowing?
and, what if I then get a job 
to pay for the gas & insurance?
And, what if I register for 'driver's-ed' classes?
And, what if its a Used car, instead of new?
And what if I learn to change the oil?
And what if I agree to drive only between certain hours?
And what if..."

Do you get the point?

Not having a dance partner doesnt change your value,
just like being denied a car doesnt mean you arent loved by your parents!

You find another job opportunity,
a new person to make friends with,
a different person who will let you in their traffic lane.

Dont bother getting mad, it wastes time and takes away your energy.
Instead, resolve to find another way.
Then- persevere, letting go of those who arent interested,
to change the way you introduce the question.

People cannot deny your value as a person,
if you truly understand where your value comes from!

And- you wont find success by hiding from defeat,
but only by taking the risk to find a new place 
where you can find a "Yes" and 'dance together'! 

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